Monday, April 27, 2009


This is a word my co-worker and friend uses all the time.. when the time is right, obviously. Today, the timing is right.. it's glorious outside.. and it's about time.

It's also about time I blogged. People used to say my middle name was "blog," but I noticed that it's been over 2 months since I've done so. Let's say it's been a long 2 months.

Although I have mentioned this along other avenues of getting information across to people, what's been going on is that I'm pregnant (again). As some of my readers know (and if not you can go back in the archives of my blog), I had documented a lot along the way of my pregnancy last summer. Unfortunately, I lost the baby at 7 weeks, but I had been going thru a number of treatments for many months to even get pregnant. I was inspired to write about my journey for other people that just might be looking for information or a "friend" of sorts that had gone thru the same thing.

When I lost the baby and we tried again not much later, I was a bit more cautious and chose to keep it private for a bit. We didn't tell many people until the 3 month mark (which is the norm anyway) and I JUST posted it as a status update on Facebook last week and I'm at 6 months now. So, let's just say this road looks a bit different than the last one.

Overall, physically I have been doing quite well. There have been the ups and downs, but mostly great. Most of the time, it has literally been to the day that things change.. for example, first trimester wasn't bad until a few weeks in, really sucked til about week 10 or 11 and then literally on the day of week 12, BOOM my energy was back. There I was running up stairs, my energy level was 10X more than it was and I felt great.

Here I am just starting week 26 and the first week of my third (and final) trimester. Although I still have energy, the swelling has started and I can't be on my feet for long. This now adds to the list of things I can't do or can't do for long periods of time, which includes GA shows at concerts. Luckily, most of the bands I wanted to see have past or are in August after my due date so I'm OK with missing those. However, anyone or anything telling me I can't do something is always a challenge. I guess instead of getting mad, I could just get creative :)

But getting back to "glorious," today and over this past weekend has been extraordinary weather-wise. We've had a VERY long Winter here in Boston and it's well deserved. It's almost hard to explain how the sun and amazing weather affects me. What I noticed, which I hadn't in previous years I have lived here, is the birds singing in the morning, and even now that I'm home and have the windows open. I never knew how much I loved chirping birds until last week. It's amazing what you take for granted when you grow up in a state where most of the year is sunny.

My Winter has been hard.. not just due to the normal cold and cynical Bostonites, but with being pregnant, it also reminded me that my family, but mostly many of my close friends, are not here. I am blessed to have the friends I have here in Boston and wouldn't trade them for anything, but I also have a posse back in my hometown who I adore and miss greatly. I always find it difficult to figure out what to do with these feelings. Generally they subside, depending on the day, but overall, there's just a part of my heart that stays empty.

Also, psychologically, the pregnancy has brought up a lot of my past (I hear this is normal) and I'm dealing with it at another level. It's amazing how many times one can deal with their "past." I have over 20 years of therapy and personal growth work where I've delved deeply into my past in all different areas, but here I am, all of it in my face and having to deal with it (again) one by one.

In some ways, I guess this is necessary. I definitely don't like to live in regret and, once again, although many times I have gotten closure on those events I had/have regrets, they sometimes come creeping back. This is not to say that I was lying to myself, it's just that there are so many levels to getting complete and having closure.

I am learning a lot about myself over the weeks and sometimes by the day. I'm having to keep track of many things depending on what doctor I'm seeing at the time, so it kinda is like looking at your life thru a microscope. Most of the time I am excited to see it this way, but other times, it's extremely overwhelming.

But I am learning, I am maturing and I am transforming, sometimes right before my own eyes. This was what was needed, I think; to be the mom I want to be (even if I have no idea what that looks like).

We have a few more days of this glorious weather, but just like Boston, we get the tease and we are back to colder weather and even some rain (well, it is still Spring). I will enjoy it while I can--keeping my mood high and spirits lifted.

I need it right now, and I also feel like I'm being rewarded for all the hard work I have done over the months. It would be nice to actually think that is the truth, but in the meantime, I will continue to feel the cool breeze, enjoy the quiet and the melody of chirping birds outside my window.