Monday, August 18, 2008

Feels like today

Me small
Me this weekend
Photo: JG


For whatever reason, today felt like a Hard Rock/Metal music day. I felt good for the first time in days, was rested, had my cool red and black glasses on, and I was back to work.

I usually never skip songs on my iPod (it's always on shuffle), but today I kept doing that waiting for a song to call to me. I ended up with Filter, Nickelback, Motley Crue, Led Zeppelin, JET, Winger and old Journey. All my friends.

I don't know what it is about it, but I always feel so much more powerful, understood and sexy when I hear those songs, even if it's just me that knows it. I've been so attuned to my body and mind lately, I'm just being with the moment instead of analyzing it. When I have my "metal" days, they are some of my favorite times. Things are usually at peace, working well and I feel confident and powerful. Sometimes I need my friends when I'm mad--and they understand that.

I'm also in the middle (or really at the end) of reading The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. I'm not sure if I ever shared this in a past blog, but I love memoirs. I have a bunch of them here. I tend to live in reality most of the time, whether that be in dreams, or where I seek "enjoyment." I love memoirs and documentaries. I love to see how people think and feel in their darkest and highest moments.

Nikki's book is raw, real and sad. I have laughed out loud and held back tears reading it. I didn't think I'd have any association with him or his life, but a lot of his entries (it literally is written in diary form with blurbs from him or other people to explain the entry) sound a lot like my words.. whether it was when I was 16 or so (which ironically was when the book started--1986) or sometimes even in recent days. I haven't done any hard drugs like he has (hence The Heroin Diaries), but I do understand the pain.

It almost makes me embarrassed to say that I understand it knowing what he went thru (mostly abandonment), but I guess we all deal with life differently and interpret things the way we do when we're kids. Just as he "found" his diaries many years later, I recently did the same thing last year. I have about 5-6 of them starting when I was 12. Some of them are kid stuff but others are pretty intense. There's a lot of questioning, hiding and asking a lot of "why" questions. Both he and I did a great job of hiding our pain as no one really asked what was going on and if they did, well, it wasn't going to go anywhere anyway.

I'm looking to finish the book before Friday as we are seeing Motley Crue for CrueFest on Friday night. I'm very excited. I know I have to finish it because you never know who you're going to run into :) People tend to laugh at me about all my "celebrity meetings" but you just don't know and I'm always prepared.

As I was walking home from the T just now, I had this cool vision of meeting the guys backstage (how I got there I have no idea). Nikki is clean now (and President of an Indie Label, Eleven Seven Records) and for some reason I feel like I could walk up to him, no problem. Most of the time all I want to do is thank artists for what they've brought me over the years. I've been lucky to have been able to do that with some of them, but I've never gotten to meet any of the Motley guys. In any case, my vision is to see Nikki with his jet black hair and towering stature, have him look over and see me. I walk over, say hi and ask if I can talk to him for a few minutes. I tell him I read his book, was extremely moved and wanted to thank him for taking the time to share his life with us.

Even though we both come from very different backgrounds, the book spoke to me in ways I had no idea it would.

I'm a bit mad now that I didn't make the trek over to his book signing downtown about a year ago. I was working full time and I would have had to have taken a half day off to go, but now I see it would have been worth it. However, in some ways, I'd have to know what I know now for it to be a even bigger deal, but I digress.

In essence, I don't see any way to meet him or the guys at this point, but who knows? If I had another month I could write him a letter or something and try to get it to him, but I may do some research and see if I can catch him thru the internet.

Now that he's clean, what else does he have to do except trowel around the Internet for hours on end and answer emails? A girl can dream can't she? LOL

Obviously there will be an update if that happens, but I'll end here saying that it was a good day.

Life seems to be getting back to normal, or at least it seems like it. Maybe one day I'll publish some of these blogs or my old diaries--not that anyone would want to read them, but that's what Nikki said when he was writing too.

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