Nothing like what was expected

Tuesday, August 5, 2008
1:05p

Sadly, I haven't updated this part of my journey since June 23, right before we left for vacation. I left people that were reading this hanging because I said that we'd have a pregnancy test when we got back. We were very lucky and it ended up that we were pregnant, and I actually thought that most of the anxiety would be over.

I'm not sure why I didn't think ahead on this as I know that the first 10-12 weeks of any pregnancy, natural or not, are tentative--especially at my age. But I trusted in the science and figured if it took the first try (with the IUI), we'd be fine.

I also told myself and a few others that I would keep a journal of sorts about my pregnancy once I got pregnant, as it's been "different" than some. But really, it's more to see the trials and tribulations of what J and I have been going thru, and specifically me emotionally and physically during this process.

All being said and done we should be at 8 wks + 2 today. Last week, we got bad news about the growth of the fetus. It seemed that things had been moving along OK after we received the first ultrasound on week 6, and last week (week 7) they detected a heartbeat, but the fetus had not really grown in that week. It basically grew 2 days in 9 (the last time we had done an ultrasound). Neither J nor I expected to be in this limbo again and hear the dreaded "we'll have to wait yet again." That seems like all we do these days and it's really getting old.

We were told that we had a 50/50 shot--we'll either lose it or it will grow. However, there are a few other options, such as they detect a heartbeat again and it didn't grow at least 7 days worth, or there's a heartbeat and it didn't really grow, or the heart rate wasn't at the appropriate speed. Although I have felt more stressful things in my life, I think at this point I have a handle on stress and knowing how to diffuse it; however, the emotional stress has been difficult.

I have no peace, even in my sleep, as I mostly have bad dreams about missing an appointment or plane, diverting my energy to others, or I'm being left in some way. Luckily these seem to be later in my sleep cycle, but I am waking up not knowing if they are real or not. I have fairly realistic dreams, so it's quite bizarre waking up sometimes.


Past Times Behind
To back up a bit and give a Cliff Notes version of what has happened, our Puerto Rico vacation was amazing. I found myself having signs of pregnancy even that first week, as I was craving protein just about every day. Although I love a good burger, I probably could have eaten 2 a day, every day. Funny enough, we got dinner brought in on our anniversary night (June 28) and it was a beautiful tenderloin with sides, so I was in heaven. I knew something was up, although I didn't have morning sickness or really any other symptoms. I was a bit surprised that I was having cravings already, but we were excited.

The week that we were there was great, I had energy, but mostly relaxed. It's amazing what a bit of R&R can do for you, and due to the circumstances, it couldn't have come at a better time.

FIRST TIP that I would give any woman trying to get pregnant: RELAX AND REST AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE. Especially if you are trying, just make sure you get enough sleep, take that proverbial "last vacation" (even if it's a weekend or a couple days away), and start to eat right.

This was one of the first times I was really listening to my body and not abusing it. If I wanted to take a nap, I did, and it didn't matter how long, I made sure I had snacks and we ate regularly. It was all perfect.

When we got back on July 1, I had a feeling I was pregnant, but decided to wait until I went to Boston IVF for the official blood test. I could have easily did a home pregnancy test and got a positive that day, but I was torn. Much of this has been very difficult for me and not many people really understand, nor do I blame them for not. I have always wanted a family, but I can't say that it was a "dream" for me, like my husband. It's very hard to articulate, but what I have been able to determine is that I want to do many things in life and I believe that I am here for many reasons over my short time here. One of those things is to be a mother and raise leaders for this world. I do have plans for our children and ideas that I want to move forward on, but the immediate future of having a helpless baby in my arms where I am truly responsible for it surviving is frightening.

Over the weeks, I have gone up and down with my emotions, from being annoyed, frustrated, excited, happy, and depressed. Today being the latter. I had a lot of assumptions that I didn't even know I had until we get whatever news we get in that moment. I had it in my head that when we went to the second ultrasound last week, we'd either have a heartbeat or not and it would be pretty clear on how we'd move forward, but here I am, another two days from yet another ultrasound and I have no idea what is happening.

All I do know is that the small amount of side effects that I have had from the pregnancy are still there, nothing has changed (meaning nothing has been added or taken away), and I'm continuing to gain a bit of weight.

I have no idea what will happen on Thursday, but I guess this time I'm ready for whatever he gives us. If there is no heartbeat, it's pretty straight forward. And if there is one, all we can hope for is it's at a "normal" rate for this time. My main concern is that the fetus will continue to grow slowly and never catch up but will continue to have a heartbeat. What happens then? That will be my first question to the doc if that is the case.


Today's thoughts
I do have to say that the past couple of days have been very hard emotionally for me. Not necessarily due to the impending word of how we'll move forward, but just what all of this has created in my life. I currently feel like a failure and as I look back at the past couple years, it just seems like everything I have touched has failed. I'm really looking more at projects or roles I took on in organizations rather than friendships and the like.

For example, I had started a small production and artist management company that pretty much failed due to working full time. Although I learned a lot, I had a dream, it came to reality and crashed down pretty hard. Knowing that I'm the type of person that needs a partner, I sought out someone to do some Booking for bands in the area, specifically one we were fond of.

I was still working full time and she had personal things she was dealing with. Although we were both passionate about it, it seemed that other things were first to take care of, not to mention that the integrity of the band wasn't so stellar after all and we really didn't feel like we were being respected.

I realized, at least, that I didn't want anything to do with booking now or in the future, and if I ever do take on my business again, I'll be partnering with someone aside from my business in the booking area or the band will be responsible for that.

Again, I learned a lot, which is one of the main reasons you take risks in life, but for some reason, I just thought it would work.

Second, I ended up leaving my job after 3.5 years at the College I worked for. I realized that it was a good fit initially for where I was in my life, but I had grown immensely and had a lot of great ideas to make the online school grow, but I couldn't get them to be utilized for some reason. I know that I rubbed one of my bosses the wrong way, and it seems like sometimes that can never be reversed. I have a lot of transformational work under my belt, but this was one thing I was never able to fully complete, or maybe I just didn't want to bad enough.

I ended up leaving there heartbroken even though I really didn't like the sales based work I was doing over the past year or so. I still look back at that with many question marks and it's still really not complete for me. I also don't know what it's going to take for me to have peace there.. and convince myself that I didn't "quit" and that I really did have value there.

I then thought that not having a job would be the life. I'm blessed enough to have a husband that excels in pretty much everything he does and he's viewed as a "superstar" where he works. I will always be proud of him, but on one level, it's very hard to live with someone who is continually successful when you are failing or feel like a failure. I continually look for things to satisfy my yearning to make a difference with people and with the world.

After about a month and a half, I had to go back to work part-time to at least feel like I was giving back to society. I took on some assisting agreements at Landmark Education around seminars and I was feeling a bit better for a few months.

However, due to not being in my leadership roles there (as I was in the past for a few years), I still didn't feel like I was living up to my potential and not able to touch as many people as I would like on a day to day basis.

As I sit here writing this now, I still feel that way. I feel that there's something out there for me, but I can't seem to grasp it. I thought that law was the answer late last year, as I had an epiphany when I had a stint on jury duty last October. I couldn't believe it, but I took a stand with my husband and said that I was applying to law school.

J was thrown for a loop, but we were going to take it one step at a time. I'd research, then study for the LSAT and then apply. I did all that and was very proud, but when it came down to it, I didn't get accepted. Once again, I had an assumption, due to being a "different" type of student (adult, master degree, etc.) that I'd somehow be a shoe in for these schools. I got reminded quite quickly of my days of applying to grad school. Bottom line is that grades and test scores count and it honestly didn't matter what I wrote in my addendums or how many times my professional editor friend reviewed my personal statement. I didn't have the basis to get in.

Devastated, I continued to move on thinking that God or the Universe had something else in store for me. I thought if I don't get into law school, there has to be another path. Once I saw there was, and we got pregnant right away, I was complete about not getting into law school. The plan was to be pregnant, take care of myself, choose to continue working part time (or not) and work on my Paralegal certificate at a local school that would only take about 3 months. I was very excited at the opportunity, until last week when it felt like life had stopped.

Right now, I am plagued with not being able to plan anything--or not wanting to, as I don't know when we'd start the process over again if we had to, if I will still be watched closely which could mean that I have to take it easy as much as possible, and what can I really take on?

My energy level has been lower, I can't stay up and active much past 11p (usually I could go until 1-2a), and I just don't know how I will feel as the days go on. I'm looking ahead to my 20th High School Reunion in October, which I had taken on trying to find old classmates 3 years ago. I was pretty successful, but now I am looking at possibly not attending. I've been asked about the holidays, but how can I even make a decision at this point?

My ultimate wish is that I could be at peace and patient thru the next couple days and not worry about anything. Not worry that I'm missing out, can't do this or that and just relax. I guess I'm just sick of relaxing and most of my life has been a full time multi task. I love it, it doesn't make me tired (or it didn't), and I feel like I'm giving of myself where I need.

I hate to sound like I'm complaining, but it's really tough to deal with. I really think something is wrong with me. I feel like I should be excited and understanding about the process as I have done enough research. I know what I will take to get there, but something is just hanging on not to.

My husband still feels like I'm doing all of this just for him and it's causing confusion. I'm not happy thinking that our place that we bought is already too small and now I have to think about a baby here soon. There's so much more that I will spare all of you, but right now all I can do is just get thru another day.

It's hard to read all this as I don't see myself as this "victim" I'm sounding like, but I feel like I have so many voices talking in my head, it's hard to know what the true feelings are.

This will be updated (hopefully daily) and I'll post this when I feel comfortable.

Peace and Love.


Wednesday, August 6, 2008
3:02p

Last night was a hard one. J and I both know we'll get word soon and reality is hitting. On top of that, I feel like one of the biggest failures in the world, and I'm really starting to think it's true. Yes, that is really victim-y, but I have evidence. I can't find anything else contrary so what am I supposed to do?

I got a call from my beloved OB, Dr. E, last night. I had been emailing him with updates and he called last night to make sure I was "holding up OK." I swear I almost started crying when I heard his voice asking that. What doctor does that these days!?!? I am blessed.

He was very kind, generous, gentle and straight. He's the perfect doctor for me. He sent his positive thoughts and asked me to update him after Thursday. He said he's concerned, but anything can turn around.

Last night also ended up a late night as we had therapy (which was very emotional) and then I had to exchange concert tickets with this guy off Criagslist. He was an hour away so we met at a mall halfway and J and I had a good dinner at the Cheesecake Factory.

I'm clear that J and I love each other a lot and I also feel clear that I'm causing a lot of pain for both of us.. and now it seems like my body is broken. It's tough to deal with and I hate sounding so lame, but it's real right now.


The Music In Me
I heard this song last night on the radio and it just fit. I'm not even a big Pink Floyd fan, but sometimes the music just speaks to you.

...When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.




Thursday, August, 7, 2008
2:27pm

Oddly enough, today marks one month since we found out we were pregnant. It's amazing what can happen in a month. Although the timing of it makes sense, much of it feels like several months. I guess when I start to think back when ALL of this started, it's been a few months, but this part of the process happened about 6 weeks ago.

We went back today for another ultrasound with a 50/50 shot. They didn't find a heartbeat so at least now the agony of waiting is over.

Last week was one of the hardest weeks I've ever experienced in my life. As I look back, I see that I mourned already, with bouts of hope, anxiety, happiness/denial and anger. All part of the process. I also realized that I did this one other time in my life. I had been engaged before and I was inside of a discernment about whether we needed to break up or not and how the both of us had grown apart. My entire life would be different and the dreams I had ahead of me would disappear and change in an instant.

Although I was in therapy, I did this work without any help from my therapist or friends. I felt like I didn't need to bring it to therapy for some reason. After we broke up, it was the oddest thing because I just came to my therapist telling him that we broke up. He was floored and confused, but understood.

The actual process of telling my ex was bold, confident, clear and peaceful. Obviously it wasn't for him, but we did this around Christmas and I remember that we had plans for that night to see a show and meet friends. We actually went to the show and all the anxiety and sadness had disappeared as it was finally "final."

It was a surreal time and people didn't understand, but what can you do? Your brain can only take so much and deal with so many people. It's usually in my nature to reach out and talk a lot. But then, and during this pregnancy process, I have kept to myself or had J involved at all times. I didn't see the reason to continue to talk about it when I wasn't going to get any real additional information. I had to go about it on my own, knowing that if I did need support, I had a lot of people that had gone thru similar ordeals that could help me.

Now, just knowing "what's so," we can move on. Oddly, I didn't find myself bonded with the baby yet as I was just getting used to being pregnant, but we'll start up the process again when the doc gives us word. Probably in October if the dates match along with holiday plans.

The coolest thing that the doctor said when we were in his office talking about the next few months was: "This is only part of your life, not your entire life. You have to enjoy life as much as possible and do what you want to do. We'll look at the calendar when we start up again, and if the dates don't match we'll delay."

I guess it is that easy. One positive thing about IUI or IVF is that you can plan the timing on one level, so I'm taking his advice. I'll want to be with family over the holidays and my sister and brother in law just moved back to MN, so it will be good therapy. J and I miss all of them a lot and it's something cool to look forward to.

On to the next, as they say. Update soon.


Friday, August 15, 2008
8:05p

I probably shouldn't say I'll write every day. I always have the intention, but sometimes it's hard just to say what I feel.

I think this will be the last entry of this journey and I feel confident enough to post it. It's hard to imagine that these past few weeks have happened to me, but I have been able to take a deep hard look over time and I've learned some valuable lessons.

Once we found out that we only had one last "thing" to do with this round of the pregnancy, it was time wait one more time and start to deal with the reality of the "ending." After we got word last week that was no heartbeat, we actually had a good day. As I may have said above, both of us seemed to have mourned at one level. We spent the entire day together resting, being, and doing our own things at times. It's difficult to articulate why we do certain things, but I've learned to just do what is there instead of trying to do "the right thing" or what people would thing is the thing to do.

Most of the week was actually OK except for last Friday night when I was feeling well emotionally and J and I started sharing some intimate things. I realized quickly that I still was not "strong" inside of all of this and things came crashing down a bit. J was great with me, listened and we got thru it as always.

The rest of the week was about looking ahead, having great conversations and bonding with friends. I felt for the first time in a long time my dreams were returning--not due to not being pregnant anymore, but due to seeing something newly. I realized as I've gone thru this journey that getting pregnant and starting a family is not about giving up one's life. Since June, I basically gave up a lot of my life or was being "careful." I'm usually not that way and am constantly busy. I had stopped working out, was concerned about my heated yoga classes and told myself that taking on anything now would just mean I'd have to stop or quit later. I was only looking at the moment AND the extreme future at the same time.

I had a great conversation on Monday with a good friend of mine and leader at Landmark. He's such a stand for me and always looking out for me. He knows what I love to do and am inspired by. Sometimes I'm not doing those things and he points those things out :) As we were talking about what I was looking to take on, he reminded me that Participation = Vitality. I had forgotten that. What I had done over the past several months is decrease my participation in life due to trying to protect the baby. It ended up that I was miserable and eating well and resting still had me lose it.

I'm really taking his words to heart and starting to have conversations for what is next. I'm trying not to analyze too much. Just have the conversations I need to have and not be attached to an answer. Be honest about what's up with me, and it will either work or not. But the bottom line is to be in action.


Yesterday and Today
Yesterday I had my D&C and it went better than expected. I swear I have the best doctors and nurses in the world taking care of me. Although J and I were ready for what was next, it was still nice to have people authentically apologize for our loss and being so great with us the entire time we were there. The only time I got a bit anxious was when I had to leave J and go into the surgery room. I took my own advice and was in constant communication with the nurses and anesthesiologist. Once I started getting more anxious than usual, she took care of it and I was asleep in 30 seconds.

When I woke up, I had no idea we were even done! Everything went quickly and there were no surprises. I took a bit of time to recover and J came in to be with me. He's been my rock and I cry every time I think about him and who he's been for me over these weeks. It's been as hard for him as it's been for me, but you'd never know it. He says that I'm the one that has to go thru all the procedures, the least he can do is be there for me. All I know is that I am blessed and truly loved. Sometimes that much love is hard to take in--but I do my best to let it in, as I deserve it.

As I sit here today, I (physically) feel almost 100%. I feel better than I thought I would, I don't have much discomfort and I'm happy that I'll be able to make it to my friend's wedding in Maine on Saturday.

Today I took on a lot to get my life back in order. I got in communication with some folks that I needed to, ran errands that I had been putting off, scheduled some things, participated in my 20th high school reunion committee planning call, and started to look ahead to what's next.

My dreams seem to be coming back and I'm not deflating them right away as I have been over the past couple months. I'm just thinking about how they can all work and just going day by day. When and if the day comes that I need to hold off, delay or just not do it anymore, I will deal with it when it comes.

Our baby needs to come into the world with a mom that is happy and fulfilled. I have the capacity to do whatever it takes to make things work, as I've done it before. As long as I remember to talk to people, create teams and be honest, it will all work out.

I'll leave you all with one of my other favorite bands, Radiohead. J and I just saw them the other night and this song really spoke to me. I've always loved the song, but the lyrics just jumped right out at me.

"You can try the best you can
If you try the best you can
The best you can is good enough."

Here's to the closing of one chapter and starting another.

Optimistic - Radiohead