Reality Hits

I’m sitting here at almost 5:30pm on a Friday. The windows are open, it’s in the low 70s, cloudy and there’s a beautiful breeze. I decided to start up the iTunes and have Daryl and John along with me as I write.

When I’m alone here in the condo with the windows open, I feel so blessed that we live here. It’s quiet; there are huge trees outside, rustling leaves. It’s hard to believe we have a Boston address. God was looking out for us when we found this place three years ago. We complain sometimes that the place is too small, but I’ll take what’s outside the window and a small place vs. anything else right now. I need the peace and nature brings that to me.


Keep your arms and legs inside the car at all times
The past two days have been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. There have been major updates on the pregnancy front and I felt compelled to write. Usually my blogs start to write themselves when I’m in the T on the way home from work. It’s about a 45 minute ride and my mind has a lot of time to think during that time. Today was no exception.

Emotionally and physically there have been changes in the past 24 hours. For the past 13 days I have been taking Repronex, a hormone shot that gives me the FSH and LH that I’m not producing normally. Luckily, I had absolutely no side effects other than a bit of bruising where I got the shots, but it was extremely minimal.

After my first 5 days on 75cc’s, they just about doubled the dose to make my follicles grow a bit quicker. My body responded as it should and at my last ultrasound I had about 3 follicles my doc considers “ready.” I had gone back down to 75cc’s a few days ago and took my final dose last night. Although it doesn’t hurt to get the shot, there have been a few times that I was “done” with them.

I’ve really had to put my life into this process instead of having it as “something else I had to do.” My Landmark ILP training has once again come into play in a huge way. Bottom line is everything in life is around “context,” and if I tried to put this fertility process as anything else but “the” thing to do, there would have been a lot of upset and disappointment. It’s just what there is to do, and it’s fairly straightforward. I’m not saying it’s been easy, but I literally could count on one hand when I was annoyed or bummed that I had to leave early from something, etc. And all of those were just moments. Once they passed, I was able to create the big picture again and move forward.

I also think I take for granted all the amazing and extraordinary people in my life, as this hasn’t been a struggle at all really. And I’m talking about co-workers and other volunteer commitments I have, not just around friends or family. Everyone is so supportive that it’s a bit hard to take in sometimes. As one of my friends said to me yesterday, “this baby will not be short on love.” That is definitely true.

The nurse called yesterday to give me an update on my most recent bloodwork and ultrasound. My estrogen and other levels had gone up substantially (this is a good thing), and she said I was ready for my IUI this weekend.

As of right now, I have re-read that last sentence at least four times. It’s hard to believe that we are actually here. The past three months have been up and down, but due to the past two failed attempts, reality hadn’t really sunk in yet. Now it has.

Granted, we have no idea if this will work. Every step of this is critical and an unknown in a way. My body will either respond or it won’t and I have no real control over this—other than my mind. If it’s time, this will happen. And if it does, I’ll have to be ready—or will get ready.

What many people don’t know and what I haven’t shared is that I am not one of those people that is dying to be a mother. This does not mean that I do not want a family. I’m just not one of those “I was BORN to be a mom!” kind of people. I’ve been working on the “why” of this for a few years, but honestly it doesn’t matter. It’s just about choosing and being honest with myself. I’m clear that I do want children and always had the vision of myself with kids, but I just didn’t know when I would have them.

I was conflicted about this for several years. I thought my “clock” would somehow start screaming at one point (as I was told by more than one person it would), and when it didn’t, I started making things up about myself. Like either something was wrong with me or maybe I didn’t even want kids? It was horrible to go thru, and unfortunately I didn’t seek out anyone to talk to. I wish I did.

I share all this, as I believe there are more women out there like me. Women who have based a lot of their life on career and education and get married a bit later. There are a lot of unanswered questions: When is a good time to start a family? What if my husband is ready before I am? What if my internal “alarm” never goes off? It’s tough to deal with and something I kept hidden. We make ourselves wrong, question who we are, and it feels very heavy and scary. If my writing here helps at least one other woman, I am happy. We are never alone.


Today and the weekend
Chemically and emotionally I feel very different today. It started last night really. I wasn’t feeling 100% and a bit nauseous. I thought it was something I ate, but it’s back again this afternoon. I’ve been more tired than usual the past two nights, and most importantly, emotional. This happened before I did the first hCG shot a couple months ago. It’s something I have to watch as I went into a VERY deep depression after the shot and I wasn’t expecting it. I have the support structures in place now and a pretty free weekend, so I’m not too worried. But I have enjoyed the happiness and laughter I have created over the past few months. I’m finally getting what it is to be truly happy and at peace. I consider it a miracle. Once I knew it was available, I had been seeking it for 11 years. Many things are falling into place.

So I go in for the IUI Saturday and Sunday. (If you want to find out more about this process because you are a research junkie like I am click here.) We won’t know anything official (if I’m pregnant) until July 7—7/7. Kinda cool—the date. Once that is done on Sunday, J and I are heading to a beach party with one of my closest friends and a ton of other people. It will be good to have great company, yummy food, and the ocean breezes. Then a few days later, we head to Puerto Rico to celebrate our fifth anniversary. This year has been a long one, but one of the most memorable and one where I GREW UP. Sometimes you need those really tough times to perk up and learn the tough lessons. My husband is a saint.

Needless to say I’m nervous, scared. I think mostly due to being in the “unknown” about the procedure and how things will be afterwards. All my life I have been prepared for everything, but as I get older, and especially in this process, there’s a lot of unknowns. You either be OK with it or not. It’s like being at peace or suffering—I get to choose.

I just have to trust in the process. I love the facility, I trust my doctor, and J will be with me during the procedure. It’s all I can do, and I have to give myself over. Sometimes it feels like every day brings me a new lesson—and it brings me closer to the peace I’ve been seeking.


About laughter and some stream of consciousness
I think I am going to pry myself out of the house to go see “Get Smart” tonight starring Steve Carell. I love Steve and sometimes laughter is the best medicine. I know I won’t want to go, but it may be the best thing for me.

The sun is going down, but the rain just started. How cool is that? I wish I could videotape this and just put it up, but honestly I don’t think it would be much of a video filming it out the window. Either way, I like it.

I was trying to find a great song to end with here. One that I wanted from Kip Winger’s new solo album was not available. But this song has a lot of meaning to me—lyrics and all. Enjoy.